I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
He uses pillows to masturbate.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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