Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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