I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
