Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
