do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
