My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
