The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i dont even know how to be here
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
