so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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