apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
