we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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