I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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