The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
