imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
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