why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just gift wrapped bread.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
