I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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