I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
