I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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