hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
