Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
