So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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