My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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