He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
