Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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