i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
