I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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