He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
