i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
