Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
