I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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