There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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