I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
