i can't believe i had my finger in that
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
