U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
