umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
