she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
