I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
