You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
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