cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Who died my cat blue again?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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