my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
