She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
