I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Who put my cat in the fridge?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
