i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
