My room smells like vodka and shame
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I did not marry a roomba.
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