Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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