She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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