i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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