went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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