He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
How does it feel to date your dad?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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