I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize