My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize