quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
