I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
