9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
