you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
