the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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