Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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