we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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